Sloppy Joe’s Suck

I freaking hate “Sloppy Joes”.  Sloppy Joes… Meat’s Epic Failure.

Look, you have a pound of ground meat… and you just ruined it.  You could have had Tacos.  You could have made it into a couple good burger patties… But you didn’t.  You made Sloppy Joes.  Don’t give me that Manwhich bullarchy.  You ruined it.  Admit it.  It’s kinda like saying you are going to make an Omelet, and then cocked it up and made Scrambled Eggs instead, and then cleared your sinuses into them.   That’s what you did with the ground meat… same thing.

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Toss some chili powder on them… some taco seasoning on the ground beef or whatever and make some Tacos.  Tacos are always win.   ALWAYS WIN.   Don’t have some tortillas, well, you are wrong and you are living in Kitchen Fail… but hey, you can always make a pot of chili out of it.  And that’s damn fine eating.

I mean, hell, if you have to make Spaghetti with it.  Boil some pasta, and poor that over the stuff over those noodles.  You’ll be fine.

But to mix a BBQ type sauce into the meat?  Oh hell no!  Look if you want BBQ flavor… make a burger and put the sauce on top of the burger.   That’s a good burger.  A BBQ Burger… We can all live with that.  And be happy.

But to make Sloppy Joes with that meat… Oh my hell… That’s giving up on life.

Don’t give me that “You’ve never had my… whoever the hell it is Sloppy Joes”.  No… I never have.  And no, I never will.  You will never get me to try it.   I will just look at you with disgust and disappointment and walk away… Probably to my car so I can go find a 5 Guys or a Cook Out or a Sonic… or some places that knows what the hell to do with a pound of ground beef that isn’t blowing excretion into it.   Sloppy Joes Suck.

17 thoughts on “Sloppy Joe’s Suck”

    1. Steven T is right; Sonic IS pretty gross. I recommended making your own breakfast burrito and I’ll recommend the same here as well; Make your own Sloppy Joe’s! I make the same recommendation here based on the same reasons about making your own Breakfast Burrito’s. Here’s how I make them at work: 93% lean ground turkey-season with salt & pepper, cook, drain, set aside. Onion, celery, poblano pepper-1/4″x1/4″ dice & garlic minced, saute. Add meat back in. Make sauce consisting of chile sauce, BBQ sauce, yellow mustard, Worcestershire sauce, sriracha, cider vinegar, and grape jelly. Mix well, simmer til thickened. Serve open faced on buns with pepper jack cheese & CRISPY tater tots with sriracha. I didn’t give amounts because its all subjective. Make them to your taste, to your sons’ taste.

      1. Whoa…. Epic Comment Fail!

        MAKE MY OWN?

        I’d never waste ground beef in such a way. Why do that when I could make Tacos or Chili or a Burger?

  1. I see that the feminization of owning apple products is proceeding nicely. Soon you will be deriding all meat dishes and begin espousing the virtues of vegetarian lifestyles.

    1. Sloppy Joe’s are food for young mothers without the Kitchen Skills to form a Burger Patty, Children who do not yet know of what Failure is, and Men lacking the Mandible Fortitude to Chew a Burger.

  2. I hold no brief for Sloppy Joes. But there exists something worse, far worse. Sloppy Joes made with tofu or TVP. An alleged foodstuff that makes a typically horrid with-meat Sloppy Joe seem acceptable by comparison.

    I like tofu in Asian dishes (which typically use it in addition to rather than instead of meat). Ma Po Tofu with ground pork and enough spices to make your eyes water can be a religious experience.

    But as a substitute for meat it reminds me of something my grandfather once told me about non-alcoholic beer – whoever named this stuff “Near Beer” was damned poor judge of distance.

    If you want to be a vegetarian, Be A Vegetarian. Eat vegetables. Don’t make fake meat. And most especially don’t try to tell me that “it tastes just like meat”. Because it doesn’t, and making the claim brands you either a shameless liar or someone who hasn’t eaten meat for so long that your sense of taste is out of whack.

  3. The best sloppy joes I’ve had weren’t made with ground beef. The base was 22 hour mesquite smoked beef, from a BBQ place in East Texas.

  4. You hit that one out of the ball park, Ogre.
    Sloppy Joes are putrid. I would duck out of lunch at the Station whenever they made them.
    They are never made, at the Homestead.

  5. Yup. If you put “sloppy” in the title, you know it’s not going to be good.

    Being sloppy is the curse of some types of food. Tacos are sloppy. BBQ is sloppy. That’s just something you have to put up with, because they are so tasty that they’re worth the mess.

    You don’t /add/ mess to your food and pretend you did something good.

    It’s the equivalent of offering “sloppy seconds,” like it’s a /feature/. “Hey, I’ve been pulling a train… and you’re the lucky guy who gets to be last in line!”

  6. “Man-wich” or ground beef with BBQ sauce is not how you make REAL Sloppy Joes. They are made as Rich mentioned above, from slow cooked BBQ beef brisket shredded and served on a roll.

    “Man-wich” is to Sloppy Joes what Taco Bell is to mexican food.

  7. George I am sure that you have a shotgun that would gladly vaporize that abomination or you could always give it the same treatment as you gave that macbook with the dead HDD.
    And 5 Guys burgers are great and they give you a tone of fries.

  8. Sloppy-Joes….sigh, I can take them or leave them. If there are options such as dried fruit or an asian buffet, you can bet I’ll go that route. But if that’s all there is at an el-cheap-o buffet style gathering of the family minds?…meh, ok. It’ll make for some heart burn, and a turd.

  9. After much discussion and research about the hate that exists for Sloppy Joes in the internet, my roommate and I have finally found a post worth reading through and through, along with the comment section. Though I’m not sure if the taco argument supersedes the main argument about the “Joes”, I will comment that your hate towards them is inspiring. Not only are ‘the slops’ nasty, but they are messy and (how do I put this) perfect for pitching at a lonely unsuspecting soul walking down the street. The only reason I would ever get a sloppy joe is if it were on offer at a fast food chain (because let’s face it, they are never sold under any “gourmet” circumstances) in a BOGO deal. And I would not consume it myself, but use it for humor. It is a laughing matter, to say the least. Thanks for completing our research. Groovy.

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