The other day, I was called arrogant, stuck up, and such. That I act like I’m too good to join in certain conversations and to be friends with people. This is far from true… In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
You see, I have some pretty harsh self-esteem issues. I struggle with this daily. It’s one of the reasons I’ve pretty much stopped blogging almost completely… Why I only occasionally record videos. Why I don’t really take part.
Internally, I feel like I have nothing to contribute. And if I do, my words hold no value anyways. You haters out there – and I know I have more than my share – could not possibly come close to the scathing rebukes I give myself. The self-loathing and criticism is epic.
Let me be perfectly honest here… For the last decade, longer actually… I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts. Not occasionally… But daily. Constantly. There have been a few times when I’ve actually planned on doing just that. Find a nice place to park, put on some Pink Floyd and just end it. You see, that’s been my inner dialog. But I decided that no matter what – I’m not going to do that. Though, inside I have to admit that I actually want to.
I feel like before I can let myself find peace… I have some work to do yet. I’m not afraid of dying… I’ve had a “near-death experience” before and I was disappointed in “coming back”. I wanted to stay there. I look forward to returning there. But not yet.
Arrogant… I wish. I’d like to know what that feels like. Maybe I was, back when I was in my 20’s. But now that I’ve hit 50, I pretty much have forgotten what that could even mean. If you hear me talking about myself – I’m not trying to impress you. I’m trying to tell myself that maybe I have some self-value here, and that I’m good enough to be apart of whatever the situation is. Maybe. Because really all that ever really does for me is make me feel worse.
Let me be clear – I am not asking for help or reaching out. I’m only seeking a cathartic release in this confession. This is not a cry for help and you do not need to take this as a call to action and I don’t need anyone to reach out. This has been well over a decade, and I’m still here. Like it or not.
18 thoughts on “I was called arrogant.”
Yeah…I can relate.
Some of us are good listeners if you need an ear.
You’re ok with me. I won’t blow a lot of smoke up your ass, but I will say you’re one of the few ‘internet gun gurus’ I’ll actually pay much attention to. So don’t go leaving us without a fight, we need all the sensible internet gun gurus we can get. Stick around, and we can all share BBQ sauce recipes…
You said you weren’t looking for anyone to reach out. Fair enough. However your post got me thinking. I’ve followed your blog for over a decade and you’ve made me think, entertained me, and taught me a thing or two. I’ll continue checking your site until you take it down because I find value in it. I believe in giving value for value. So, for whatever value it’s worth, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your ideas, knowledge and the like with me. Take care and God bless.
I’d be inclined to say you need a meaningful task in your life, something along the lines of a through-hike on the Appalachian Trail. Less of a commitment than that might be found in taking up kayaking and/or fishing, perhaps with some of your younger sons while you still have the opportunity. The stuff that Ruark wrote of in The Old Man and the Boy.
Just a trip out to the coast is a good start. I still remember posts you made when you first came to NC, over at Jacksonville, how well you wrote of the peace in sitting near the water and just relaxing. Ever been out to the Outer Banks yet? If not, you should remedy that soonest.
As a fellow low self-esteem guy, it drives me nuts when people mistake that for arrogance. I have seen that push people into full blown recluse mode. As in needing medical help to leave the house.
I have found value in the your words. I thank you for them. Also through you I found WTA, there I made friendships helped me during a tough time.
Sorry to hear about the struggle, Ogre. As an anonymous Internet Person, I know I probably possess zero power to help you in any fashion so I won’t try to wax eloquent and ‘save’ you from your trouble. Just know that I’ve followed you off and on since (as best I can tell judging from old emails where I quoted you) roughly 2005, and have always enjoyed the way you think. We are very like-minded. By the way, I started re-reading The Uprising on my Kindle this past weekend. All the best sir, and I hope you are somehow able to get past this part of life and on to better days.
Relevant? Definitely. Insightful? Most every time. Arrogant? Never would have occurred to me. Always glad to hear from you and look forward to meeting you in person some day. Later. c.
Your words indeed have value. I’ve stopped by here regularly since an article about AR-15s that’s so famous…it’s infamous. I may not always agree, but if there was nothing here for me, I wouldn’t be here.
Keep your head up. Whatever you decide, I’ll still check in—and I doubt I’ll be the only one.
John 14:6 KJV
I’m not a motorcycle guy but have always respected your thoughts on guns and knives.
I’ve always enjoyed your reviews of guns and cars and motorcycles. I wish I had a coworker like you. Enjoyed you on AAR also.
My lovely daughter has struggled with the same issues since she was a child. Just Know even folks like me who have no social media accounts and rarely post enjoy your opinions, personality and knowing there are like minded brothers out there.
It’s hard when you don’t feel valued or valuable. I just left a situation that had me in the dumps for years, thinking about ending it on a daily basis too. One day I accepted that if God wanted to, He could snap his fingers and make me better; but He didn’t. Why would a loving God do that? For the same reason a loving father lets his children struggle and suffer – strength. Strength of character, of mind, body, and discipline. Strength of the soul and spirit that can’t be broken by situations or circumstances. I finally realized that while I was waiting for God to deliver me, He was waiting on me to stand up and take responsibility for my life. I got my family out of that situation, out of the whole darn state for that matter. Things have been hard, but they get better every day. What better is that we are laughing more than crying.
I know this is an old post, but I hope you read this. There is always hope, and Gods grace is always with us as we work to undo the hurt in our life and the lives closest to us. Whatever your solution looks like, don’t let it be the one that sees you check out early. Do what you can, plant the seeds and carry the water, and let Hod worry about the results.
Billy Joel had the same inferior mindset as you. He said how he got over it, happened in an instant. He said he was talking to Neil Diamond and Neil told him , he didn’t get right until he said to himself “ I forgive myself for not being Beethoven “ !!!!!
I too have been following your blog for decades. There are things I agree with and things I disagree with, but it does not stop me from checking in on your blog. I sometimes feel that after some pretty momentous events in my life that I am on a long slow slide into adipocere. I won’t post here but if you’d like to follow up off line I’ll forward my email.
Hmm. Outdoorsy guy with depression? Been checked for Lyme’s lately? Me, my wife, my kids, my grandkids all got lyme’s at one point or another, it affected mental attitude in all of us.
As we are finding with covid, viral infections can also mess with your head too.
Such might not be your problem, but since lyme & virus are addressable, it’s reasonable to check.
Is this blog still active?
Define “Active”. Because all I can really say is “Schmaybe”.
Man, I say if you are ever in the Salt Lake area I would be flabbergasted to just buy you a beer and pick your brain. The writing, fiction and “political” is amazing. The ways that you see the argument and can communicate it are real intelligence at work. Not even to mention the other work.
I suffer from severe depression at times for various reasons. I find if I force my self to socialize with intelligent people. Free thinking people it helps. Please drop a line if your in the area. South Salt Lake Valley. Draper, Sandy, etc.
I know it is not much of anything but I’d be honored.
The Buffalo Burger at the Bohemian Brewery is fantastic.