I was called arrogant.

The other day, I was called arrogant, stuck up, and such. That I act like I’m too good to join in certain conversations and to be friends with people. This is far from true… In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

You see, I have some pretty harsh self-esteem issues. I struggle with this daily. It’s one of the reasons I’ve pretty much stopped blogging almost completely… Why I only occasionally record videos. Why I don’t really take part.

Internally, I feel like I have nothing to contribute. And if I do, my words hold no value anyways. You haters out there – and I know I have more than my share – could not possibly come close to the scathing rebukes I give myself. The self-loathing and criticism is epic.

Let me be perfectly honest here… For the last decade, longer actually… I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts. Not occasionally… But daily. Constantly. There have been a few times when I’ve actually planned on doing just that. Find a nice place to park, put on some Pink Floyd and just end it. You see, that’s been my inner dialog. But I decided that no matter what – I’m not going to do that. Though, inside I have to admit that I actually want to.

I feel like before I can let myself find peace… I have some work to do yet. I’m not afraid of dying… I’ve had a “near-death experience” before and I was disappointed in “coming back”. I wanted to stay there. I look forward to returning there. But not yet.

Arrogant… I wish. I’d like to know what that feels like. Maybe I was, back when I was in my 20’s. But now that I’ve hit 50, I pretty much have forgotten what that could even mean. If you hear me talking about myself – I’m not trying to impress you. I’m trying to tell myself that maybe I have some self-value here, and that I’m good enough to be apart of whatever the situation is. Maybe. Because really all that ever really does for me is make me feel worse.

Let me be clear – I am not asking for help or reaching out. I’m only seeking a cathartic release in this confession. This is not a cry for help and you do not need to take this as a call to action and I don’t need anyone to reach out. This has been well over a decade, and I’m still here. Like it or not.

8 thoughts on “I was called arrogant.”

  1. You’re ok with me. I won’t blow a lot of smoke up your ass, but I will say you’re one of the few ‘internet gun gurus’ I’ll actually pay much attention to. So don’t go leaving us without a fight, we need all the sensible internet gun gurus we can get. Stick around, and we can all share BBQ sauce recipes…

  2. You said you weren’t looking for anyone to reach out. Fair enough. However your post got me thinking. I’ve followed your blog for over a decade and you’ve made me think, entertained me, and taught me a thing or two. I’ll continue checking your site until you take it down because I find value in it. I believe in giving value for value. So, for whatever value it’s worth, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your ideas, knowledge and the like with me. Take care and God bless.

  3. I’d be inclined to say you need a meaningful task in your life, something along the lines of a through-hike on the Appalachian Trail. Less of a commitment than that might be found in taking up kayaking and/or fishing, perhaps with some of your younger sons while you still have the opportunity. The stuff that Ruark wrote of in The Old Man and the Boy.

    Just a trip out to the coast is a good start. I still remember posts you made when you first came to NC, over at Jacksonville, how well you wrote of the peace in sitting near the water and just relaxing. Ever been out to the Outer Banks yet? If not, you should remedy that soonest.

  4. As a fellow low self-esteem guy, it drives me nuts when people mistake that for arrogance. I have seen that push people into full blown recluse mode. As in needing medical help to leave the house.
    I have found value in the your words. I thank you for them. Also through you I found WTA, there I made friendships helped me during a tough time.

  5. Sorry to hear about the struggle, Ogre. As an anonymous Internet Person, I know I probably possess zero power to help you in any fashion so I won’t try to wax eloquent and ‘save’ you from your trouble. Just know that I’ve followed you off and on since (as best I can tell judging from old emails where I quoted you) roughly 2005, and have always enjoyed the way you think. We are very like-minded. By the way, I started re-reading The Uprising on my Kindle this past weekend. All the best sir, and I hope you are somehow able to get past this part of life and on to better days.

  6. Relevant? Definitely. Insightful? Most every time. Arrogant? Never would have occurred to me. Always glad to hear from you and look forward to meeting you in person some day. Later. c.

  7. Your words indeed have value. I’ve stopped by here regularly since an article about AR-15s that’s so famous…it’s infamous. I may not always agree, but if there was nothing here for me, I wouldn’t be here.

    Keep your head up. Whatever you decide, I’ll still check in—and I doubt I’ll be the only one.

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