Things I’m tired of seeing…

scifidoorB18.jpgb3be5c9d-3a99-4b08-93c7-d498e457ca61Larger1. Complicated Doors.
Doesn’t matter if it’s Ancient, Magic, Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Alien, Vampires or whatever – the door to something important or even not important… is a complicated fecking mechanism of some sort that opens from the center with improbably numerous pieces and parts that have to move out of the way to unlock and thus allow the door parts to move away in any number of interesting and complicated ways.    Or barring that, they are just Ginsu Blade Fast and Scary… How come they can’t just be freaking doors?  What’s wrong with a regular damn door?  I bet if there really were Aliens out there, interior doors in their homes would be simple doors or maybe a bead-curtain. Not some mechanical device that rivals the workings of a Swiss Watch.  Because Aliens wouldn’t have a Complicated Door Fetish.  They would probably want efficiency… like a latch on one side and a couple sturdy hinges on the other.  The alternative to the Complicated Door is the massively oversized door out of impossibly heavy material and construction.   If the movie is really trying to hard, you will have a Massively Oversized Overly Complicated Door.

2. Crouching Slides that tear up the floor.
Any Boss-Fight anymore has this.  The Hero gets knocked back, but instead of sprawling like he just got smacked down, he slides away from the adversary in a Hero-Crouch Pose that’s solid as a rock, and as he’s sliding, he’s ripping up the ground.  Concrete, Marble, Tiled Floor – whatever it is – it’s getting ripped up in that power-slide.

2.5.  Exaggerated Action Crouching.

3. Oversized Bladed Weapons.
ikkicon20This was once just Anime stuff, but it’s starting to pop up in other places – such as Tom Cruise’s new Sci-Fi remake of Groundhog Day.  The Hero Chick had a Sword worthy of a Japanese Cartoon.  Let’s leave them in Japanese Cartoons.

4.  Massive Collateral Damage to Private or Civic Property.
Superman.  Batman.  Pacific Rim.  Star Trek.  Avengers.  Lately it’s not safe to park a car or be in a building or even just in a city where a Super Hero is.  Because he’s going to use it like a Wiffleball Bat or get slammed through it like a missile, or he’ll just throw it.  Whatever it is you have – screw it.  It’s Collateral Damage in the great war against evil.  Geico doesn’t have Giant Monster/Hero policies… but maybe they should.  Because The Man Of Steel doesn’t give a damn you just dropped ink on a 450 dollar a month Car Note for that new Mercedes.   Hero is going to use it to smack the Bad Guy into your Office Building and then toss your sweet new ride you have a 72 Month Loan on.

18 thoughts on “Things I’m tired of seeing…”

  1. There has definitely been collateral damage inflation. Gotta have more than the last action flick. Maybe someday somebody will make “less is more” work and we can reset. Still have to have that 2 hour adrenaline soak though.

  2. Agreed on all points. For the third point, its probably because Edge of Tomorrow was based on a Japanese comic book. Apparently the same character had an oversized sword there too.

  3. As an explanation of the giant sword in Tom Cruise’s new movie, the movie is based off of a Japanese manga (i.e. comic book) called All You Need is Kill. It’s an OK read.
    To be honest, you can tell if an anime was intended for kids by the size of the swords. Big swords are meant for the elementary and middle school audience.

  4. When it comes to powered armor, I can’t really say no to some of the huge swords. I like warhammer 40k too much. Chainswords for the win.

  5. Well there was some push back in the cartoon realm with the movie “The Incredibles” where the hero and his super power family were laid low by law suits over the damage they did while fighting evil….course they ignored it in the end and came back to fight and do even more damage….sounds like the Feds.

  6. I have a friend who worked in a munitions storage area. Seeing pictures of the big, heavy door built into the hill did not stop me from thinking, “that’d make an awesome gun room.”

    1. I worked in an MSA (munitions storage area) during my 17+ years in the Air Force and I do concur that an igloo (earth covered storage magazine) would make a very secure gun room…except for the humidity inside of them. You would be going through A LOT of desiccant or would need a huge dehumidifier to keep rust away. The doors are huge, heavy and the high security lock is pretty cool itself.

      1. No lie. We considered it a win if we didn;t have standing water somewhere in the bunker.

        I mean, it’s a cave — a basement built by the lowest bidder, with intentionally aerated soil over it to hold water like a sponge, and being belkow ground, has an ambient temperature well below the dew point of the hot, muggy, Southeastern air. . . what would you expect it to be like inside? {grin}

  7. I can’t think of any collateral damage on screen that compares with what we are experiencing real time in America today.

    ( facepalm )

  8. You should include gratuitous spikes on everything, including doors.
    Who doesn’t go to movies, still protesting the Millennium copyright act.

    1. That’s a good point.
      Spikes. Elbow Spikes. Forearm spikes or blades. Shoulder spikes.
      Way too many dang spikes.

  9. The blade thing I kind of take on a case by case basis. Brandon Sanderson is a good example. By my count, he’s done it in 2 series, Mistborn and the stormlight archives. In one it’s a weapon of opportunity taken from giant creatures, in the other, the swords are meant to be wielded from powered armor of sorts and is noted for its supernatural qualities. The bottom line is that it doesn’t have to be over the top, but if you do it, then you need to set up a reason for them to be there, you can’t just pull it out of your ass, (the rectal trauma alone would kill you).

  10. You must admit, that if we HAVE to see exaggerated action crouching, at least it should be done by a cute redhead in black leather.

    I’m just saying.

  11. We all remember the round doors in the Hobbit homes in Lord of the Rings, no? when the film first came out, a reporter asked Peter Jackson what was the biggest challenge in the filming. he said, with exasperation, that it was getting round doors to work. he noted that there is a solid reason why no human society has ever had round doors in houses.

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