I hate Dr. Who. I tried watching it, being as open minded as possible… but I’ve come to the conclusion that I really and truly just hate Dr. Who. The whole Whovian Universe.
1. The Daleks. They couldn’t come up with a more interesting design than semi conical domed top thing with a toilet plunger on the end. Just looking at them angers me. These things are supposed to be some sort of a World Threatening menace? If these things can threaten your world – you deserve to have them… whatever they do… plunger fuck your skull until you bleed to death.
2. Cybermen. Alien technology that hinges on plumbing from the local hardware store to make dumbass handles on their helmets. They actually make the Daleks look more interesting. But these things are just as bad when it comes to visibly threatening. The Tin Man from Oz was more threatening… because he had a creepy smile… and an axe. But that’s not the Cybermen. They have masks of dire bordom and they want you to be like them. How is this from any trip to a Shopping Mall or Liberal Arts College?
3. The Tardis. The Space Ship is a freaking Phone Booth? Everyone of you who piped up “It’s a Police Call Box!” can just shut up and drink engine coolant. A Police Call Box is just a phone booth that only dials one number. So like it or not, it’s not even that useful of a phone booth. Who came up with this idea? No, seriously, how did this become clever? How did this become cool? I walked into a book store and there was a whole table of blue phone booths for people to buy. Are you all mentally damaged? When it flies, it spins and wobbles as if from a single string. Because it’s dangling from a freaking string, and they didn’t even bother to stop it. The spinning just became part of the mysterious way it flies through space – not by magic, but by the mysteries of science. They didn’t even bother phoning it in with bad special effects. They just made it so bad, that everyone just stopped caring about it. Oh, that’s the Tardis. The ReTardis. The worst spaceship in any SciFi, and it’s in the worst of all SciFi’s. Which makes that Stupid folded in on it’s self. It’s stupidity that’s divided by zero. But it’s bigger on the inside, some say. Didn’t Harry Potter have Tents like that? What is it with the Brits with so much wishing for more interior space. Guess what, England, you can move to a less crowded place, where elbow room isn’t a Fantasy Plot Point. Like North Dakota.
4. The Sonic Screwdriver. Let’s call this what it is… Dr. Who’s Magic Wand. There’s no science to this SciFi, it’s Fantasy and Who is a wizard with a wand. It fixes everything, in any situation, magically, with no need to a scientific reason for it doing so. It just does. But instead of Magic, Who wraps himself in the stupidly oversized scarf and declares it to be science, because he is smarter than everything else in the universe. Because he says so. Because he has his magic wand. His phallic symbol of power. You know who else had a Magic Wand? Voldemort. Think about that.
5. The acting and directing are better in a High School Play. So are the special effects. Every episode is like a bad SNL Skit that everyone on stage hates, but they are pushing through till the end because they are SNL. Quite really, SNL does a better job of this because they all know they are doing comedy and it doesn’t matter. But Whovians are rabid fans and take this shit seriously and hang on every word and wave of the Sonic vibrating Wand.
6. Dr. Who changes bodies, but it’s the same character… just in a different body. Another phone in effort. Oh, the last Dr. Who Actor quit because he can’t stand making Gene Roddenberry cry anymore… so he walks off stage left, and in from stage right walks Dr. Who, who has returned again… in a new body because that’s what he does because he’s not just a fucking wizard anymore but a TIME LORD… Dun Dun DuuunnnnN!!!
I hate it so much I can’t do a full 10 reasons… I just hate it. I only hope at some point in the series the Time Lord opens a portal to the Warhammer universe and a Blood Raven’s Terminator pops through and shreds Dr. Who with Lightning Claws. Because that’s an episode I could watch.