A lot of people like to wear things on their heads.  Many people want to try out the “beret” but a word of caution… no other hat can communicate that you are either a badass or a dumbass faster or more effectively than the beret.  So before you buy one of those official “Root” berets for the Olympic games… take into consideration that you could very well look like a dumbass.  

Let’s look at some examples.

Women can get away with a lot of things… even wearing a beret wrong.  Why?  Because they are goddesses and they control the universe.  That and she is smoking hot.  She can where the beret like that – you can’t.  Don’t even try.  So the first example, the beret can make you totally shaggable.  

Here we have “The Duke”.  Obviously, the beret can make you look like you kick ass professionally, which The Duke did.  Well, in the movies at least.  Still, who would want to mess with The Duke?  Not me. 

Stevie Nicks is wearing some sort of beret here, more like a big foppish sack over her head, but like in example number one, she can get away with it... that and she is Stevie Nicks and you are not… so again, unless you are living poem of beauty or Stevie Nicks, don’t even try it.

WTF is that on top of that beret?  A fucking apple stem?  Unless you want to tell everyone you are fruit cake, guys shouldn’t wear one of these French type berets.  Because if you do, some Germans just might come kick your ass because you are due.  Like I said when I started, dumbass.  Look at this guy… he could have a PHD in nuclear physics and he would still be a dumbass because of that beret.

Now look at this guy right here.  He would totally give you some nice warm, gentile and firm manlove… but he still looks like he could whip your ass.  Right before he takes it.  Even if you don’t kick people’s ass… the beret worn correctly makes it look like you do.

Now this fool right here really might whip people’s asses… but he doesn’t look like it.  His beret is doing the flying saucer thing.  That looks stupid.  Makes him look like his favorite game is to run around his Miami condo naked with the beret on pretending he is the Star Ship Enterprise.

Don’t even get me started on this guy.  Those 1980’s police sunglasses, a camo wife-beater shirt, and a red beret worn like a French pastry chef.    This guy got beat up a lot as a kid while at the same time not getting enough hugs from his mother.  Don’t stand near this guy, don’t get into an elevator with him, and don’t ever – ever – mention his dyed blond mullet.

This guy is 132 years old and he could kick your ass from here till next Sunday.  Then he will relax and use your guts for fishing bait.  Whatever this old codger says to you – you just say “Yes Sir!”    Note the beret is worn correctly… also note the clear intellect and wicked gleam in his eyes.  Don’t fuck with this guy, because he already has your number and has kicked the asses of guys younger, tougher, and smarter than you... that's how he grew to be so damn old.

Over in England they wear the beret a little different.  This isn’t wrong for them… and it looks tough.  This guy will tear you a new one, and tell you “Cheerio” before you could say “Bob is your uncle”!  If you see a guy wearing his beret like that – he’s probably gone around the world kicking people’s asses… so don’t fuck with him.

Then we have the French… I don’t know what the hell is going on with these guys… but look at those berets.  Big, flaccid, floppy, sacks… Remember Stevie Nicks?  These guys are not her.  I don’t care if your buddies all wear them like this… you still look like a dumbass.  Or more likely… you look like a widdle bitty bunny with a pancake on its head.

Don’t feel sorry for this bunny… it’s a French bunny and he thinks he looks good like that.

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