1. WASH YOUR DRAWERS.  Underwear and socks can get funky, and your sweetheart might not be there for you every time you get all your clothes nasty.  The two machines that your girl uses are not magic.  They are called washing machines (one is the washer and one is the dryer... She can tell you which is which) and they can be easy to use.  Think of them as power tools for your rags.  All different brands work kinda different to get them to start and they all have different settings and cycles and all that jazz.  You only need to know one setting.  The Heavy Duty Cycle.  Ask your Better Half how to start the machines on the toughest setting.  Just use that and forget the rest.  You don’t need it.  You shouldn’t be having anything silky anyway.  If you do, you probably have your own home decorating show, so you can skip Thing 1.  Just go straight (sorry) to Thing 2.  Now the ladies like to talk about things like “sorting”.  I don’t know what the fuck that is all about.  Here is the deal… just avoid it.  Just shove all the clothes into to the washing machine (on the HEAVY DUTY CYCLE, remember that!) and then put in laundry soap.  If you are doing socks or greasy clothes or something like “really funky”… just put in a little bit more soap.  Now let me talk a moment about your clothes.  You are an Ogre in your own right, correct?  What do you need a white shirt for?  Wedding?  Get a rental.  Buy khaki or grey shirts and you wont be surprised if they come out of the wash that color.  Same with socks.  You can never get white socks white after you wear them anyways, so screw white altogether.  Buy grey socks.  You can wear grey socks with jeans or slacks with no problem.  Just think “Grey is the New White” and you are set.  When the machine stops, you have to take the wet clothes out and put them into the dryer.  Then throw in a dryer sheet.  Look around for some, She Who Must Be Obeyed has some someplace.  Again… Look for the heavy duty cycle.  Use that.  If there is a heat setting, just flip it over to “Blow Torch”.  Once again, you shouldn’t have anything that gets wilty if you dry it hot.  Your loin cloths that used to be “Haynes” should be made of cotton… nothing else.  Balls like COTTON, okay?  Silk is right out.  Then press the start button and you are set.  Hopefully she’ll be home by the time the machine is done and you will be out… because the folding thing just baffles me.
2. BUST A CAP.   Guns are cool and are useful tools.  A guy needs to know how to fire them in case he has to.    You have three basic kinds of guns.  Handguns, rifles, and shotguns.  Handguns have two categories… Pistols and Revolvers.  A revolver has a round part that hold all the cartridges, and a pistol has a “magazine” (no, not like Maxim) that holds the cartridges.  A cartridge has a few different parts. The pointy or round end, that part is the “bullet”.  The cylinder part with the flat end, this is the case. At the bottom of the case is a round button looking thing and that’s the bit that makes it all go bang.  Don’t fuck with it.  That’s called the primer.  If your cartridge doesn’t have a primer, you are probably holding a rimfire like a .22… go get a real gun you pansy.   All these parts together is called a “Cartridge” not “bullet”.  The bullet is the front part that shoots out, that’s it.  Cartridges can also be called Rounds or Shells.   All guns are different in the way they work, so get to know the ones around you.  But basically you load the cartridges into the magazine (also called “MAG”), insert the mag into the grip firmly and as deep as you can… just like sex… the long hard thing goes deep into the hole.  Remember to keep the point ends of the bullets facing the front of the gun.  Then grab the slide and pull it all the way back until you can’t pull it back anymore… then let go of the slide and let it slingshot forward.  You will want to practice this a lot, but do that at the range and with a guy who knows how to shoot so he can teach you properly.  That’s pretty much the key of it all right there.  You need a shooting mentor.  So find one first.  Just ask any guy that looks like he can kick your ass. He can help you.
3. GET GRUB.  This is easy… find your local grocery store and get a shopping cart.  Those things your Mom used to push you around in like small cages with wheels.    Find the sign that says “FROZEN PIZZAS” and head there first.  Food of the Gods, pizza.  Pick some you like.  About 5 or 6 of them.  Good, now head over to where the meat is.  Find some good slabs of dead animal flesh that are to your liking.  5 or 6 of them.  Salad.  It goes good with meat and impresses your girl to think you can actually eat right on your own.  They have a big bag of the stuff with all the other growy things someplace.  Ask for help if you need to… from a chick… they know where all that shit is.  Pick out a Salad, doesn’t matter which, your not going to actually eat it.  Grapes… these are awesome… if you spot any, get a bag of them.  Cereal.  Every guy is different here.  Get whatever the hell you want here.  Just avoid anything where there is a bigger cartoon character on the box than there is a picture of the actual cereal because they are trying to distract you because they are hiding something.  If in doubt anything that says “LIFE” or “CHEX” is good to go.  Get a couple boxes depending on how hungry you are.  Milk.  If you have cereal, you will need milk.  Skim, 1%, 2% are all good… avoid anything else because it might not come from a cow and if doesn’t then it isn’t really milk is it?  Depending on how much cereal you get will determine how much milk you get.  You want maybe 1 gallon for every 2 or 3 boxes.  Okay, fuck it, just grab two.  Now over to the soda/beer.  Get a 12 or 24 pack of your favorite beverage(s).  Chili… like cereal we all like different kinds.  Grab a bunch of cans of this and you’re good.  Go with like 6 or so.  That’s about it… your done.  You have enough food for about a week now.  Good job. 
4. CHANGE YOUR OIL.  Every 2500 to 3000 miles you gotta change the oil in your car or truck or SUV… whatever you drive.  If you drive a Mini Van you have to take it to Jiffy Lube, fuck it.  You have no dignity left, so don’t even try to restore any by doing this yourself.  First buy 4 Cold Ones of your choice.  Make sure they are nice and chilled in the fridge or ice chest… You can pick your own Cold One’s.  Buying oil is easy as hell… just look for the bottles that say “MOBIL 1” on it.  If you don’t see anything like that, you are still okay… look for any oil that says “SYNTHETIC”.  10W-30 is the do everything engine oil, but if you drive harder than that, you might want something different like 20W-50.  Some newer cars like the 5W-10 or 0W-5 or something like that… if you drive a new Honda or Subaru, this is probably what you will want to use and some of this stuff too.  Ask the guy behind the counter if you are confused.  You want 4 bottles of this stuff just like you had to get 4 Cold Ones.  Think 4X4, it’s easy.  (Some trucks need 5 quarts of oil and if that is the case - read your owner's manual - just buy 5 and 5) Find the oil filter for your rig, there is a book for this or just ask for help.  Again, look for “Mobil 1”.  Try to avoid the orange ones.  Fram sucks ass and you want to take better care of your ride than that.    Okay, now back home, park your vehicle in your driveway, jack it up… now go get a Cold One and sit in the shade near the vehicle and drink the Cold One.  Bonus points if the hood is up.   Okay, now that you are set, you want to get the old oil out.  Use a big pan to catch the old oil… Under the car find the oil pan and the drain plug.  This is really a bolt that is almost welded tight.  As soon as that bolt comes off, the oil is going to pour out.  Once the bolt is out, put your pan under it to catch that oil.  It’s going to be messy… don’t worry about it.  You know how to wash your clothes now so you’re good to go.   Open the oil fill cap.  Now, you have to take off the old oil filter.  This is the bitch of the whole job right here.  You might need a special tool called an “Oil Filter Wrench”.  Once it’s off, just drop it (careful not to splash) into the old oil catch pan.  Just let this drain for awhile.    Get another Cold One.  Once drained… (the Cold One that is) time to get back to work.  First thing is to put the drain plug back in.  Very important.  Tighten it up nice and snug… but don’t weld it.  If it doesn’t fall off in 3 days, it will weld its self.  Now this is the tricky bit… Open up the first bottle of oil and the box with the oil filter.  See that rubber ring around the inside of the filter?  Dip your finger into some CLEAN new oil and coat that gasket with the oil.  I don’t know why you do this… you just do because if you don’t the whole engine will explode like it was a Palestinian’s car, so don’t fuck with it, just do it.   Pour some oil into the filter.  This helps the engine not to blow up.  Now put the filter on where you took the old one off from.  That was only two Cold Ones ago so you should still remember where that was.  If not, your SOL and will have to walk to where they sell the repair manuals or look under a similar car.  Just not a police car, because they hate that.  Tighten this new filter as hard as you can with your greasy bare hands… then get a rag and tighten it a touch more.  Like the drain plug, if it don’t fall off, it will weld its self.   Break out Cold One #3.  Look up at the clouds… savor this manly work your doing.  Okay, now off your ass, break time is over.  Pour  all 4 bottles of oil into the oil fill hole… one at a time.  Make sure you get all the oil into the hole and not all over the engine.  You might need a funnel of your Cold One’s were high octane, you know.  Okay… Just put the oil cap back on… jack the car down… clean up the mess… Refer to THING 1… and kick back and enjoy Cold One #4. (if your truck uses 5 quarts of oil, down Cold One #5 some place along the way as you see fit) Done.  
5. DRIVE A STICK.  The coolest cars and trucks use a Stick Shift.  These are the cars that have 3 peddles under the dash instead of just two.  The 3^rd, new peddle is the one on the far left.  That’s the clutch peddle.  The Clutch is a magic device in your car.  This gives you TOTAL CONTROL over how your car drives.  The gas peddle is what you use to feed the fuel to the engine and the brake is what you use to slow and stop… with me so far?  Good.  To drive a Stick, the first thing you do when you get in is push in the clutch and the brake.  If you just push the clutch, the car might roll.  So, there you are Clutch in, brake down.  Good.  Now start the car.  The shifter lever is your best friend.  Feel it, know it, love it.  Now put the car into First gear.  Give feed the engine some gas, and slowly let the clutch out.  SLOWLY!  When you feel the pull that’s called the friction point.  The clutch is just starting to connect the engine to the transmission to get the car rolling.  At the friction point keep letting the peddle out and feed a bit more gas… just a small bit.  This the whole trick right here.  If you give too much gas, you could wear the clutch out and have to pay like a grand or two to get it fixed.  If you don’t feed enough gas, and let the clutch out too quickly you could stall the engine and the car might just die right there you will look like the biggest fucking idiot on the planet.  If you do both, too much gas and you pop the clutch out too fast you could end up rocketing the car into a house or a truck or just blast off like the fucking space shuttle or something really bad like that might happen.  So no pressure here… Just take it easy.  Practice is the key.  You might want to borrow someone else's car or rent one, cause you don't want to practice in your own.
6. SURVIVE BALLET.  The CIA trains people all the time to deal with torture.  Unless you are in the CIA, you're screwed dude… totally on your own here.  This doesn’t have to be Ballet.  This could be a music recital or a chick flick or some foo foo chick shit like that... like shopping.  How you deal with this is personal… but you have to find your happy place.  Things like imagining all the dancers are naked… or wearing clown suits… that might help.  This is all about patience and tolerance here… this is the endurance test.  I like to do the naked thing if there are hot chicks on the stage.  Have several sexual fantasies about one or more of the dancers… with your own chick of course because you are loyal to her, you know...  Or I will imagine that long curvy stretch of road and image you riding it on a motorcycle… this works good too.  Think about the shifting and the leaning… think about the engine revs.  Write a book in your head.  Whatever your happy place is, go there.  Stay there.  The trick is to pass the quizzes.  She will ask something like “What did you think?”  Answer with something like “Indescribable” or “unbelievable”.  Act like you appreciated it, but don’t act like you enjoyed it too much or you will risk having to do it again.  
7. PICK OUT A CHICK GIFT.  This is crucial so pay close attention here or you can get your dick cut off.  Remember Lorraina Bobbit?  She took some scissors to her man’s junk because he couldn’t pick out a gift – so be warned!  Clothes… are right out.  Forget about it.  If you get the wrong sizes you are screwed.  If you get a size too big, say good bye your package.  If you get a size too small, she will be crying and you will have to use your tool all on your own because she wont touch it.  Even if you get the size right on the money – let’s not got there.  Clothes are just out.  Shoes are clothes, so don’t worry about them either.  Anything that you keep in the kitchen is a strict no-no.  Just think of it like this… any kitchen thing you buy her – that’s what she will use on you while you are asleep.  Two things to look for… Shiny and or Sparkly.  Rings have sizes, but not Earrings.  They have no sizes so you can’t go wrong with them.  Bracelets and necklaces… both are good to go.  These can be spendy, so you might have to save up a bit or do what I did and that was *sit down for this* sell a gun.    Now, there are a lot of other things that will work.  Music CD’s and books… or if your chick is really cool, a gun.  Just say something nice with it like “Thought you might like this” or “Your special to me and I want you protected”.  Just don’t even try to get her the gun that she knows you were wanting because she will be able to see right through that BS like RADAR through a fog.  All these other things can get complicated and may have required you to have been actually listening when she was yammering while you were trying to watch a movie or something…. So when in doubt, pick something out from under a glass case that is shiny. 
8. COOK A MEAL.    If it’s just you, there are only 4 things to know.  Bowl. Cereal. Milk. Spoon. Done.  If you want to cook for your girl, then it gets more complicated.  Char some meat so it’s not bleeding any more, put some salad on the plate with the meat.  Uh… that’s about it.  She will think you wonderful for cooking for her and after that gift you gave her – you are set my man!
9. DEAL WITH KIDS.  Trust me with this one, kids can be either really easy or they can be pure 7^th level hell.  The key is to get them out of the house.  If they are home, they can destroy it when there are no chicks around.  Because if you are out there working on something important, like changing your oil, and you leave the kids inside alone… heaven help you.  Mc Donald’s is KID HEAVEN.  They also have newspapers to read for you and this is good.  Order up some happy meals, put them on a table in the Play Place and let them do their thing.  You read the paper.  This will work for like a whole hour.  You return home with happy, fed kids who are tired and ready for bed… you are the hero.  And if you did Thing 7 and thing 8 together – you’re getting some lovins tonight!   If the McD’s doesn’t have a play place… don’t panic.  Little Caesar’s Pizza has the 1 Large for 5 bucks… get a pizza and take the kids to a park.  Here you are good for up to 2 hours maybe.   Just make sure the park has a “potty” or the trip will only be 5 minutes.     The best thing to do with kids is let them do their own thing… parks are perfect for that.  Bring a paper or a gun magazine or something like that, and you are set. 
10. CAMP.  Every guy knows how to camp.  If you don’t know how, I can’t teach you know.  Get a Boy Scout Manual and start reading it you city slicking bastard.  The most important things about camping are food, shelter, and Cold Ones.  Fire is optional.  First thing to do is set up the tent and lay out your sleeping bag.  With that done… you can start on your Cold Ones.  Then uh… eat some food.  Then drink Cold Ones until you are sleepy.  When you wake up, pack everything up, drink the rest of your Cold Ones, and then go hit an IHOP.  Repeat daily until the camping trip is over.    That’s about it.   Camping can be great fun.  If you can’t go camping… you can always just change the oil in your truck.

TEN THINGS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW HOW TO DO:

1. LEAVE THE SEAT UP.
2. Er… That’s about it, really.  You guys are great.  Thanks for reading.  Love you!

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