Armchair Quarterbacking: McDonald’s

The Big Mac Promise
The Big Mac Promise

McDonald’s is in a financial crisis and is bleeding money.  And another report has the CEO saying that they are needing to evolve.  I agree.  McDonalds has been one my least favorite Drive Through’s for about 30 years now.  In fact, the only time I stop in a Mickey D’s is when I’m road tripping… Not to eat though.  Well, maybe sometimes.  But mainly just for the clean restrooms.  They may have the cleanest Men’s Rooms going coast to coast.

But let’s talk about that brand.  Yeah.  It needs to change.  First off, Ronald McDonald is a Clown.  Everyone hates clowns.  Clowns need to go away forever.  Seriously.  Every time I see a clown, I think “Rule #2”.  When McDonalds started out – there was no Clowns.  McDonald’s started in the 50’s, but the clown didn’t show up until 1963.  There was no need for that other than an attempt to market to children… and really kids don’t need a clown to inspire them to chow down on fatty salty and sugary foods.    Kid’s don’t drive the car that pulls into parking lot and kids don’t have the Plastic to pay for an order.  Market to the folks that do.  The Child-Adults with cell phones that could do a space launch and an attention span of a Gold Fish and the life ambition of apathetic Person Of Walmart.  Or the guy with kids that doesn’t have time to cook.  Let’s look at that second guy.  Dude’s busy, has some kids in the car and want to get them some food because they are hungry and cranky and hey, he could use something to eat as well.

The Big Mac Reality
The Big Mac Reality

The Menu’s Flagship Burger – The Big Mac.  It’s pathetic.  It’s not big.  The meat patties are tiny and tasteless and if you are lucky you have a decent amount of shredded lettuce to at least keep the buns apart.  I generally like burgers that have something between the buns.  You have something called the Big Mac, it needs to be substantial.  The Quarter Pounder has a good patty… How about you use 2 Quarter Pounder patties in the Big Mac?  Forget everything else and think about that for a moment.  Look at what everyone else is doing… Big Thick Juicy Burgers.  McDonald’s, your burgers have not been thick or juicy for some time.   Forget your Specialty burgers that come and go – I’m talking about your core menu items.  The staples that have been around for as long as I can remember… Your patties suck.  They are too thin, and too small.  Seriously, I’ve had thicker patties from White Castle.    And when they get served they are generally cold and dry.    Get some meat in there.  The whole Wendy’s “Where’s the Beef?” series of commercials, they were talking about you, McDonald’s.  And you didn’t do anything about it.

Five Guys... Enough Said.
Five Guys… Enough Said.

The problem with McDonald’s is that you lost your Soul.  That clown stole it.  Go back to the source.  What you started out being.  Be that again.   You’re trying to be all things to all people and it’s just not working.  Outfits like In & Out Burger and Five Guys are smoking you.  Why?  Because they are giving their customers what they want… Something they want to eat.  They’ve embraced the fact that they are a fast food burger chain.   They decided they want to offer the best burgers that they can.   You guys?  Your gourmet specialty burgers are generally pretty dang sad… because they are made by the same non-engaged Min-Wager Clowns that don’t care about or even know about what a good burger is.

In & Out Burger.
In & Out Burger.

This is for the CEO of McDonald’s personally… Jump into a car with a friend that is truthful and honest with you.  And you guys go on a Road Trip.  Go to In & Out.  Go to Five Guys.  Go to the other top burger joints in the country and really look at and taste the food.  And then ask yourself why you can’t do that.  And all those reasons you come up with as to why you can’t make a damn good burger like that…. FIX THAT.  All those reasons should become your action points.   This isn’t Rocket Surgery… This is Burgers.

Your chicken sandwiches are not that bad… Not that great, but not bad.  I’m no judge of chicken though.  You’re fish sandwiches suck though.  Same reasons your burgers do now.  But that’s something else… You need to get back in touch with the burger.  Do that, everything else can fall into place.

Does this patch look familiar, McDonald's?
Does this patch look familiar, McDonald’s?

We’ve got a saying around here.  “No Clown Shoes”.   Get rid of the clowns… Relearn what a good burger is.  Get your soul back.   And while you are at it – get rid of the garish bright red and yellow.  Tone those colors down.   That will let people know you can be taken seriously.

Your fries are great.  Don’t touch them.